The period that may just kill me… February 13, 2006

I told my partner last night that whatever hell a pregnancy may bring would be welcomed compared to this period. I swear it is the one that is going to do me in. Again, further evidence to my theory that hormones are vastly reflected by our bodies emotional responses. The idea being that I have mentally been preparing myself for pregnancy so much, so looking forward to conceiving that I swear I am already nesting, moody and all other things. Perhaps it helps prepare the unsuspecting partner for months of moody torture as well, as I know I have been borderline unmanagable at times. She is a Saint.

I just wrapped up an interview with Scott Sherman of The Gay Parenting Show on The Podcast Network http://gayparenting.thepodcastnetwork.com. I got an iPod from my partner while we were in California for my first Jewish Christmas (whole other blog topic to come…my emersion into the Jewish culture and us bringing up baby to embrace the Jewish faith as well as my not so religious upbringing) and just started downloading podcasts a few weeks ago. Being in prebaby research mode 24/7 I found Scotts podcast. I have now downloaded all of them and am all caught up. If you have not listened, I suggest you do. He has great, respected guests and subject matter that really…well, matters! I find myself regurgitating what I heard in the podcasts to my partners eager ears. Check it out for yourself!

 Alright, more baby babble. I am trying not to get too worked up by the fact that I should start “peeing on sticks” (ovulation predictor kits) in roughly 10 days. Me, being the paranoid freak that I am, will start sooner. Ok, nevermind that these kits, which usually contain 7 sticks, cost about $30…I am going through them like they are Angelina Jolie movies. I am now toying with the idea of if I should get more of the same brand (a brand I am not so keen on) or go with a new brand. Part of me says, as confusing as the first brand is I would be equally as confused with starting over learning a new brand. I think we will stay with the same brand. I am so worried that I will miss it, that I will think the blue line was “as blue or bluer than” the control line. These kits are so unprecise. I need something less subtile, something that flashes, has a blaring red sign, hell, if it had the ability to play “Hey baby, baby” by Britney Spears to indicate ovulation I would be a happy woman! Something, anything is better than squinting at two blue lines and hoping you are not wasting one of your $400 shots (plus $400 for doctor visit) to find out you weren’t even ovulating.

Ugh! Patience Anne, patience.

Trust me, I still am surprised to look in our bathroom cupboard and find, Aveda products, toothbrush, oh yeah and Ovulation kits! Nevermind that we had a painting party (we have just moved into a 1908 Victorian we just purchased before the holidays) where friends came to help us paint…and as I take one of my employees on a tour…there lies a used ovulation stick on my bathroom counter. They are so confusing with their sneeky shades of blue that I need to leave them out to get a second opinion from my partner. Well, I have heard that modesty goes out the window with motherhood, so, I might as well get a jump start on that as well.

Who knows what 11 days may bring… February 13, 2006

Considering my blog is about trying to conceive, one would assume there will be some sqeemish verbage and subject matter…after all I am trying to grow something inside my body! That warning aside…today was another day where realizations abound. Today is day one of my cycle…which means that in about 11 days I will ovulate. This will be the first time I will ovulate since the shipment of sperm has arrived to the clinic. Which means, in 11 days it will be our first actual chance to try to conceive. Every step is a little more exciting and a little more scary at the same time. I think, “Oh my God, in a few weeks I could actually be pregnant!” It is so bizzare.

Another weird thing, for me (of whom I can really only speak for), is that since I am a Lesbian, I have never really tracked my menstral cycle. Really, why would I have? There has never been a chance that I could be pregnant, so who cares when it comes, right? Now I have turned into this counter, and so has my partner. And it is odd to have someone else so aware of what MY body is doing. I do not mind, it is just different.

On another note, I really would like to explore how much of hormones are effected by state of mind. What I mean is, I swear that ever since we decided to have a child, my periods are more painful, and my emotions are switching to maternal and moody. It is the oddest thing.

I realize the odds of a 33 year old woman conceiving on the first try are very slim, but that doesn’t stop me from hoping and dreaming that it may actually happen.