since I last posted, but that is because there really isn’t much to report. We are in the middle of the wait for ovulation again. Waiting for the two purple lines to match up indicating pending ovulation. Hopefully it will be more precise this time around, less waiting for an answer. We will have to wait and see. Waiting, the part I hate.
Failed attempt #1 March 22, 2006
Well, ok so I have joined the league of unsuccessful women who have tried to conceive and have failed. I read about womens stories who have been trying for (insert years here) and hope it is not going to be me. But when you try and fail, somehow you cannot help but feel shitty. Feel completely out of tune with your body, wonder if something is wrong with you, wonder how long this will take, if you have done something wrong…etc, etc, etc. It is hard to not become obsessed with it. Now we start the two week routine again, period one week, followed by a week of testing for ovulation, followed by me rushing to doctor (I have already come to the conclusion that Staci will never be able to accompany me to the insemination appointments as they are impossible to predict) and then waiting another 2 weeks to see if the “seed” took. Oiy!
Maybe an answer… March 19, 2006
This morning I had signs that perhaps my period is starting. A small amount of blood. Of course I am still hoping that maybe this is implantation bleeding and that I could actually still be pregnant. But, after being one week late for my period (which never happens normally to me) and multiple negative preg. tests I am starting to think that maybe I was technically pregnant and have lost it or I just never was pregnant and just late with my period. Which means in about 14 more days I go through the whole insemination thing again.This is all very consuming. A month has gone by now, which I know for some people is a short amount of time. But it has beena month of nonstop thinking about making a baby, watching when I ovulate, watching, waiting for sticks (ovulation and pregnancy) to turn positive…it’s all consuming…and now a month of my life has just flew by…and soon another month will fly by. It’s like I am living my life two weeks at a time…two weeks period and ovulation, then two weeks waiting to see if it took, if not two more weeks again. I have been cranky and irritable. I am tired, after only one month of having all eyes and ears on my cycle. Yet, I think if no one asked or showed concern I would be a little dissappointed. But every moring, my partner says, “Hows the pee stick”, as if I would not run out and tell her if I had good news. It gets tiring of constantly having to report negative results. Tiring to say the least!We went to Ikea yesterday, made a pilgrimage. It was nearly 12 hours of traveling/shopping. It was heavenly! We got so much stuff for the house and then…I actually had (with no pressure mind you) Staci fall into the same trap that I have been falling into lately…buying baby stuff. There is NO baby at this point and yet we bought a baby sheet set (so unGodly cheap and cute how could you pass), the most adorable finger puppet kits, kid cups, plates, organizers…and that was us showing restraint!I hold myself back, thinking that we could be jynxing ourselves…then we will have all this random baby stuff. Then I say, “what the hell, then we will just have plenty of gifts to pass out when our friends have children”.Part of me will be relieved if I indeed do have my period right now because at least I will have an answer. It wouldn’t be the answer I am looking or hoping for but some of the wait and guessing will be gone…*sigh*and of course part of me is going to be really discouraged…
Update to No Positive, No period… March 17, 2006
Still nothing, no signs of anything but some cramping last night. Still no signs of a period, and no positive pregnancy test. I finally called the doctor to see what to do next, to see if there is any relief to this waiting.
No period, no positive… March 15, 2006
That’s right! Still NO indication of if I am pregnant or not. This is day 15…and to top it off I am a maniac at the store…looking at and buying baby stuff…I see a sale and have to get it, in preparation…I figure if nothing else, I will have plenty of gifts for friends who become prego!This is soooo annoying! The waiting game, that is!
Still waiting and hoping… March 9, 2006
Of course I have used up a 3 pack of Pregnancy tests in the meantime. Of course we know its too soon to tell, but are hoping to be able to tell early. I should get my period this weekend if I am not pregnant, so we are really hoping to have some answers soon. To top it off, and this is not pretty, I am the gasiest thing lately. I read that can be a sign, and since normally I am not, and I have not eaten anything out of the ordinary, maybe its a prepregnancy sign.Of course we both have our hopes so high up, have been window shopping for the latest and greatest in baby items…have been wondering when we can paint the “baby” room. We have all these extra rooms in our new home, we have been dying to fill one up with a baby and baby paraphernalia. Intimacy (the delicate word in case Stacis family reads this) has been touchy because I am so afraid that we may rustle things up too much, shake the possible new zygote or blastocyst, or whatever it may be called at this point, up and ruin what may possibly be forming inside me.Last night I meant to blog, have been meaning to several times but I am too busy trying to occupy my thoughts and actions with other things to keep my mind off of if I am or am not pregnant. Also, I have been so tired…hoping that is a sign, but it could be just mental and emotional tiredness as well. Last night, I was driving home, listening to James Blunt, whom I adore, and I just couldn’t stop thinking about how much I am in love with my partner. Yes she drives me crazy sometimes…especially with house stuff, the house is still in utter disrepair and we still have no clue what stage our reproduction windows are at (our 100 year old stained glass windows were stolen right before we moved into our house), but all in all, I love her so completely. I am at peace and comfort with her in a way like nothing else…it is easy to love her…I was remembering the day we met, how I was told there would be single women present at this party…how I went with my ex, of whom I have stayed friends with. How I couldn’t shake her from my head, how I couldn’t stop trying to glimpse at her, through her and into her world. Who is she? What is she all about? How I had to go to another party, a party that I promised to go to…how I was so unhappy at the next party, especially since I just wanted a chance to get to know her more.It’s like yesterday in my memory bank, me asking my friend more about her, my friend arranging a “hey, why don’t you join us for drinks” session…how I felt like we were microinches from kissing that first night, but my bladder won out instead…how she couldn’t stop talking, was that nerves? How we spend weekends together, and endless nights on the phone after that…how it began to blossom right under our noses until it could not be ignored. How eventually we ended up never sleeping alone since. How happy and healthy it all is.How we want to share our happy, healthy relationship with a wee one…and we are still waiting and hoping…
Normal Routines and Waiting… March 6, 2006
So I awoke this morning at 3am to severe abdominal cramps, spent a good amount of time in the bathroom and was cranky about it. Not cranky because I was not feeling well, but because I don’t know if it means something greater or if I was just having an upset tummy. As I sat in the bathroom, too tired to turn on a light and read, I wondered how sick I may end up feeling during pregnancy and how it would affect my life and my routines. Not that it would be anything to stop me from wanting to do this….just, as selfish as I believe having a child is (quite honestly, aside from spending $ on myself it may be the most selfish thing I have ever done in my life), on the other hand it is very self sacrificing. I have found myself, at this early stage, so conscious of everything I put in my body, or breathe in. Last night, as I operated the snow blower I realized how nasty the exhaust fumes are, I pulled my coat over my face and continued, as I blew out the candleabra in the fire place, I realized the soot and fumes the candles gave off as I blew trying to get each of the seven large candles out, each breath I drew in brought fumes to my lungs….it kills me to say, “honey, I don’t think I should do the snowblower anymore, unless I wear a mask, and I don’t think I should blow out the candles.”I’m not even pregnant yet (as far as we know) and I feel like life is limiting…whatever could the next nine months do. Not limiting in a I can’t function way…just in a be careful of what you do way. And yet, it may sound like paranoia…but how could you NOT want to be as careful as you could possibly be?And Staci brings home pure Vermont Maple syrup for my Kashi waffles to replace my Log Cabin Lite, along with the replacement came a dissertation on how she knows I am trying to stay away from empty calories and sugar, but the chemicals in the syrup are far worse than the calories. I’m not even sure I have ever had real syrup in my life, I’m not even sure if I like real syrup…we will find out. It’s a big sacrifice as well, not the syrup but the idea behind the replacements…the giving up of my way of doing things to an alternative life.Yet, as I shovel snow in my backyard and look up to the second floor to the window of the “would be baby room” (I am superstitious about calling it the baby room yet) I can see myself swaddling a baby in front of the windowdoor (yes, it’s an old house, we actually have a windowdoor, it’s very charming).And as I type this I have cramps of an unknown origin, pms, flu or baby? We have no clue…
Could I be? March 5, 2006
First of all if you have found me through Scott Shermans podcast, Gay Parenting, thanks for stopping by! Hope you continue to pop in and also support Scotts great show!Ok, I don’t know if its possible, could I be pregnant? Every little twitch ot tinge that I feel I wonder if that is normal woman stuff going on inside or is that a baby growing inside me? The worst part of having just been inseminated is that many of the signs of early pregnancy are familiar to pms which is all within the same time-frame. It’s hard to not be emotional and also not wonder….keep your fingers crossed.
Today was the day, of firsts… March 2, 2006
I called last night, left a message for the fertility clinic, that I had indeed had an LH surge, as far as I can tell anyway. They returned my call this morning at 9am, telling me I could come in at 10:15. Good thing I have a flexible job and understanding boss. So, Staci could not come, her job, a little less flexible, but important none the less. I was ok with it…almost as though having to be brave by myself took more of the nervousness away, really it did. There was self talk, “You can do this…you are fine, relax, its no BIG deal, you have gone through greater things…alone.” And it was ok. There was the writing of a big check (actually 2) and then waiting…enough waiting that I got to watch part of a Monk episode on my iPod. Then just as I got into it, it was my turn…my time of Monk watching and evesdropping on all the other clients, trying to figure out their stories was over.”You can get undressed from the waste down, heres a sheet to cover, get on the table, the Dr will be with you shortly. I have set a timer, when he is done he will start it and when 10 minutes is up, you can go….”So I got ready, folded my clothes nicely on a chair and shimmied myself into what I could only guess would be the position I needed to be in. The Dr. and a female student came in (I have 2 male doctors) and he was very kind. Showed me the syringe that the “Semen of a rightous man” was in….not what I expected for $400 a pop! It was no thicker than a pencil in diameter and maybe contained a teaspoon of liquid. It had a long catheter attached. He expained that it was soft and flexible and woul dbe inserted into the cervex. The speculum was inserted, then some explaining to the student and then entered “Semen of a righteous man”. It cramped and poked a bit, uncomfortable. And then as I lay there, I thought of a million and one things…and I couldn’t tell you what….but I know I did. I got dressed, walked down the hall and thought…”Oh my god, I have semen in me…how absolutely foreign…what is going on in my body right now? Is there a battle, a race to the egg? Can people tell by looking at me that I have the “semen of a righteous man” in me?”And I swear as I walked down the hallway, I felt gooey…yes gooey…I think stuff comes out as you walk…again, all very foreign. Then I talked to a friend who assured me that there are millions of sperm in that tiny syringe and that if I estimated the cost per sperm…its prob way less then 1 cent per sperm, so I am definatley getting our moneys worth…it was funny. And my friends have been calling me all day asking if I feel pregnant yet. I told one that I felt funny but couldnt tell how much of it was psychological and she said, “Ahhh its just cause you are not used to having things in your Va Jay Jay…” They have been watching Grays Anatomy far too much.More later, I’m sure. Keep your fingers crossed!
Day 17 could it be? March 1, 2006
New tests, and lo and behold this evening on pee attempt number 2 of the day we might just possibly have two matching lines on the pee stick? Or do we want them to match so badly that we only see matching lines? I have called and left a message anyway…which means what? They will call me in the morning and I just leave work and get inseminated? This is weird. On a completely different note, my partner surprised me for my birthday with a little ble box from Tiffanys with a committment ring in it…not just a committment ring, but THE ring, the ring of my dreams! 10 diamonds, platinum..ugh I love it…I love her. I wish this baby could be made on that love alone…Here’s hoping my eyes are not deceiving me, or my partner or my best friend who I just had an appointment with. As I jumped into her car with used ovulation stick in hand in a baggie, I said, “Look at this and don’t let the fact that I just urinated on this freak you out….do these lines look the same to you?” We are all so afraid of making a “wasted” deposit over nothing…yet afraid at missing all together.