Giving up things to gain

Giving up caffeine, whoa…ok, I have done it, sort of. I have limited my intake to one Red Bull Sugar Free Mimosa (Red Bull SF with Orange Juice) in the morning, and that is it. For anyone who has not tried the heavenly concoction, I highly recommend it. I need to drink more water. And I need to remember to take my multivitamin as well as my folic acid…oh my God, listen to me. This is such an alternate world to where I was last year, hell, months ago even. My birthday is coming at the end of the month. I will be 33. I may actually be ovulating at the time, or freakier even, I may have been inseminated by then…I could (cross your fingers) be pregnant but not know, on my birthday. This is a stretch from spending my birthdays drunk in Mexico. Wow, how things change. While I fall asleep at night, my partner lay next to me, reading a cookbook for expectant mothers (of which the name escapes me but I will find out and post it), asking me if I have been eating (fill in your choice of baby brain foods here) and asking me if I like things such as lentils. It’s adorable and appreciated.I worry about not conceiving the first time, or ever…about the pressure of being the one person who makes or breaks us having a child. Of letting my partner down. And my partner calms me by saying…”i don’t want you to feel that i will or you should be disappointed if it doesn’t work the first time.  i am looking forward to you getting cranky and demanding, hungry and hormonal, emotionally distant and overwhelmingly sensitive.  if it doesn’t happen the first time then it doesn’t.  i guess i’m getting ready for if it does. and eventually when it does.” How adorable is she? The biggest thing I will be giving up is not my body for 9 months, not my social drinking, or my caffeine, but rather as my parenter reminds me, is my control. I am a control freak (people say it like it is a bad thing) I am aware of this. I work in an environment where I am the boss, I am a doer. It’s what I am good at. My partner has shed more light on things, telling me that she will be there for me as I lose control of my emotions, and everything else. That we will both explore a side of me we never knew existed and we are excited and frightened at the same time.The most satisfying thing is knowing that I could do this all without her, but I would never want to. That this is a choice, something we both want, something that brings us great joy, something we have thought about all of our lives. People ask us when we first tell them what we are up to…”have you thought about this?” Do these people really hear themselves? As Lesbian and Gay couples, how can we NOT think about it? Knowing we are gay and we lack a few of the vital things necessary to conceive, everything is planned. We are more prepared mentally and emotionally than most heterosexuals out there…and don’t get me started on preteens, hell, if a 17 year old can do it, my tough ass 33 year old, stubborn self can certainly do this! And better baby! This is me, stepping off my soapbox now.I will leave you with a comical glimpse at what our fertility doctor at the clinic said on our first consultation after learning we are a lesbian couple…”So, what brings you here today is not really an issue of infertility but rather a lack of sperm. (insert big grin and chuckles here)” He thought he was extreemely funny and charming, and so did we.