Everything I read tells me something different, “Ovulate on day 11″ Ovulate anywhere between day 9-20″…at $30 a box, please narrow down this science for me! So I finally call the clinic (again) to get advice…Me: Hi, Um…ok, I didn’t have a blue line and now today and yesterday I had a faint blue line but it is not close to as dark as the control line.”Nurse: “Then that is still a negative test. It doesn’t matter what it was yesterday or what it is today, if it is not as dark as or close to the control it is negative.”Me: “Ok, well, what about my cervical mucus, its milky white…doesn’t that mean I have ovulation coming.”Nurse: “That means you are producing estrogen, keep testing for the next few days. If you get nothing…”HERE’s the fun part…if I get nothing in the next few days…then something didn’t work. Either I did not ovulate or I missed it somehow. If that is the case they want me to come in midcycle next month for an ultrasound ($700) which will be able to tell how big my follacules are (where the eggs come from I guess) and then they can give me a shot that will make ovulation come the next day and then they can inseminate me right on time….no one ever told me this scenerio! So, next month would be a pricy insemination, but since we would not be trying this month, it would even out price wise.I am sick of these inconclusive tests…something has to be more accurate! To top it off I turn 33 tomorrow…at least it would have been a nice way to mark turning 33 if I would have been able to get inseminated tomorrow. Even better if I could tell the story later of how “you were conceived on mommys birthday!’
Afraid I’m doing something wrong… February 24, 2006
Ugh, I have yet to find two blue lines on that damned ovulation stick! I have gone through a whole box and am now testing two times a day. last month it seemed so much easier. Of course, now that we have sperm ready that’s not the case. I am wondering, am I using too much urine? Not enough? Not waiting inbetween going to the bathroom and checking long enough (turns out you have to not have gone potty for 4 hours inbetween checking) and indeed you can pee too much or too little on it! I am reading websites, now I read that women can ovulate anywhere between day 8 and 20 of thier cycle. Well, I started testing before day 8 and it is now day 13…I couldn’t have missed it unless I peed too much or too little or did something wrong. Please, Please let this work….I don’t think I am stressing myself too much, I have felt much more stressed in my life before, so that cannot be it.Please let it produce two lines tonight….this afternoon, something…I want to be able to go in tomorrow or sunday! Please, it would be the best birthday present!
Still no blue line February 22, 2006
but it should appear any day. The odd thing is that as a Lesbian couple trying to conceive we need to be able to take off of work for the procedure. This is the eqivalent of a hetrosexual couple asking to have off of work, or explaining that they couldn’t come to work because they needed to have sex. I have a position that is more flexible, I am the boss, with only the owner of my firm above me, so it is a little easier to be flexible. My partner, however, is not in such a flexible position. Fustrating but understandable. Fustrating in that I can understand the perspective of hetrosexuals yet wish the plight of gays who wish to conceive was less of a struggle.So yeah, waiting for two blue lines…oiy vey!
Flash Back February 21, 2006
I realized that I have not talked much about how the process was for us up until now. We found a clinic that a heterosexual friend had used when she was sick of waiting for “Mr. Right” to show up and decided she wanted to be a mom with or without a man. I called, and said “I would like to start the Insemination Process” to which I got an appointment and went in.My partner and I talked to the doctors and told them we were a couple looking to start our family. I am 33 years old and wish to carry, where as my partner is 41 and does NOT wish to carry a child. So, that was good concidering that they said, they most likely would not inseminate my partner due to her age anyway. During the barage of questions I had to tell the doctors that I had never had a PAP Smear. That’s right, 33 years old and never had an exam. Here’s the thing. As a lesbian, I was not having sex with men, and didn’t have sex with women until my 20′s, there was never any reason to have to have brith control, etc…I never really saw the need for it since I wasn’t having conventional sex. Now, I KNOW that there are a myriad of other things that can go wrong and that cancer could go undetected. But by this point, it had gone on so long that I was afraid on many levels.1. I was afraid that they would find something, and not knowing almost seemed better than knowing.2. I knew I would get a lecture, and or yelled at by the doctor and I just didn’t want to hear it. I know I should have gone sooner.3. I was afraid of the possible pain/discomfort/compromising position.So, after hearing this, the doctor said we could do it that day, and we did, it was nothing major at all, painless, quick and easy and so not worth worrying about. All tests came back fine.Then we were told we needed to go to the Psyciatrist to make sure we were not crazy and that we had “thought about this”. There we were grilled with such questions as, “So, little Suzie is at a friends house and they have a daddy and she comes home and wants to know why she doesn’t have a daddy, what do you say?” WHAT? Are you kidding me? We have some time to figure that one out don’t we? I mean, we have not even conceived. And questions like, “So what are the names of some male influences/role models that your child will have in their life?” Ummm, like you want an actual name? Me telling you that we will have some in our childs life is not enough, you want me to tell you names of people you won’t know regardless of if I tell you thier name or not? It was all very weird, and there were definate “right” answers despite her opening our conversation with “There are no wrong answers here.” Bullshit! Anyway, we sat on pins and needles for a week hoping the woman who held our child bearing future in the palm of her hands gave us the thumbs up. Well, we got the thumbs up, narrowed down the donor and ordered 3 initial units, enough for three cycles and are hoping to have success in three months. Otherwise we will try again…hopefully the donor we picked would be available still. So, sperm is now waiting on liquid nitrogen for me to ovulate any day (literally hopefully by friday) now. It’s all stressful, in a good, but stressful way.
Did I mention… February 17, 2006
that I am not only trying to conceive but am in the last year of my Masters Degree and that my partner is also in her last phases of her Ph.D. program, and we just moved into a 3 story 100 year old Victorian after the holidays? Yeah, we like things hectic around here. So as dedicated as I am to blogging there may be days where I either have nothing to add, or simply do not have time between working a 60 hour work week, attending weekend classes and doing home repairs.That being said, started peeing on sticks hoping the two blue lines match up any day and we can hop in the car to the clinic, and praying that a snowstorm does not get in our way when we do need to.
Chocolate by any other name… February 16, 2006
In all reality I know I don’t ovulate for a few more days, yet somehow I am frightened that if I do not check ovulation right away, I may miss it. This coming week will be our first try, and I am already nerve-wracked. Let’s hope that we are successful in a short period of time.To top it off I found out today that mixing hot cocoa mix in milk, does not equal chocolate milk! Menstrual cravings I’m sure no where compare to natal cravings.
Random Update February 15, 2006
Not much to report today. Bought another box of Clear Blue Easy Ovulation kits to prepare for next week and prediction time. Actually had a welcomed coupon for $1.50 off! Looked at pregnancy kits, they all say “Early Pregnancy Kit”. And then they say, “as early as 4 days before your period.” THATS EARLY? I am looking for one that can tell me, oh I don’t know, THE NEXT DAY!!!!! Seriously, I swear I read that there are some that can tell you just a few days after conception. I have to look into this more. I am NOT a waiter…I am a doer! I will let you know what I find.
The period that may just kill me… February 13, 2006
I told my partner last night that whatever hell a pregnancy may bring would be welcomed compared to this period. I swear it is the one that is going to do me in. Again, further evidence to my theory that hormones are vastly reflected by our bodies emotional responses. The idea being that I have mentally been preparing myself for pregnancy so much, so looking forward to conceiving that I swear I am already nesting, moody and all other things. Perhaps it helps prepare the unsuspecting partner for months of moody torture as well, as I know I have been borderline unmanagable at times. She is a Saint.
I just wrapped up an interview with Scott Sherman of The Gay Parenting Show on The Podcast Network http://gayparenting.thepodcastnetwork.com. I got an iPod from my partner while we were in California for my first Jewish Christmas (whole other blog topic to come…my emersion into the Jewish culture and us bringing up baby to embrace the Jewish faith as well as my not so religious upbringing) and just started downloading podcasts a few weeks ago. Being in prebaby research mode 24/7 I found Scotts podcast. I have now downloaded all of them and am all caught up. If you have not listened, I suggest you do. He has great, respected guests and subject matter that really…well, matters! I find myself regurgitating what I heard in the podcasts to my partners eager ears. Check it out for yourself!
Alright, more baby babble. I am trying not to get too worked up by the fact that I should start “peeing on sticks” (ovulation predictor kits) in roughly 10 days. Me, being the paranoid freak that I am, will start sooner. Ok, nevermind that these kits, which usually contain 7 sticks, cost about $30…I am going through them like they are Angelina Jolie movies. I am now toying with the idea of if I should get more of the same brand (a brand I am not so keen on) or go with a new brand. Part of me says, as confusing as the first brand is I would be equally as confused with starting over learning a new brand. I think we will stay with the same brand. I am so worried that I will miss it, that I will think the blue line was “as blue or bluer than” the control line. These kits are so unprecise. I need something less subtile, something that flashes, has a blaring red sign, hell, if it had the ability to play “Hey baby, baby” by Britney Spears to indicate ovulation I would be a happy woman! Something, anything is better than squinting at two blue lines and hoping you are not wasting one of your $400 shots (plus $400 for doctor visit) to find out you weren’t even ovulating.
Ugh! Patience Anne, patience.
Trust me, I still am surprised to look in our bathroom cupboard and find, Aveda products, toothbrush, oh yeah and Ovulation kits! Nevermind that we had a painting party (we have just moved into a 1908 Victorian we just purchased before the holidays) where friends came to help us paint…and as I take one of my employees on a tour…there lies a used ovulation stick on my bathroom counter. They are so confusing with their sneeky shades of blue that I need to leave them out to get a second opinion from my partner. Well, I have heard that modesty goes out the window with motherhood, so, I might as well get a jump start on that as well.
Considering my blog is about trying to conceive, one would assume there will be some sqeemish verbage and subject matter…after all I am trying to grow something inside my body! That warning aside…today was another day where realizations abound. Today is day one of my cycle…which means that in about 11 days I will ovulate. This will be the first time I will ovulate since the shipment of sperm has arrived to the clinic. Which means, in 11 days it will be our first actual chance to try to conceive. Every step is a little more exciting and a little more scary at the same time. I think, “Oh my God, in a few weeks I could actually be pregnant!” It is so bizzare.
Another weird thing, for me (of whom I can really only speak for), is that since I am a Lesbian, I have never really tracked my menstral cycle. Really, why would I have? There has never been a chance that I could be pregnant, so who cares when it comes, right? Now I have turned into this counter, and so has my partner. And it is odd to have someone else so aware of what MY body is doing. I do not mind, it is just different.
On another note, I really would like to explore how much of hormones are effected by state of mind. What I mean is, I swear that ever since we decided to have a child, my periods are more painful, and my emotions are switching to maternal and moody. It is the oddest thing.
I realize the odds of a 33 year old woman conceiving on the first try are very slim, but that doesn’t stop me from hoping and dreaming that it may actually happen.
Giving up things to gain February 9, 2006
Giving up caffeine, whoa…ok, I have done it, sort of. I have limited my intake to one Red Bull Sugar Free Mimosa (Red Bull SF with Orange Juice) in the morning, and that is it. For anyone who has not tried the heavenly concoction, I highly recommend it. I need to drink more water. And I need to remember to take my multivitamin as well as my folic acid…oh my God, listen to me. This is such an alternate world to where I was last year, hell, months ago even. My birthday is coming at the end of the month. I will be 33. I may actually be ovulating at the time, or freakier even, I may have been inseminated by then…I could (cross your fingers) be pregnant but not know, on my birthday. This is a stretch from spending my birthdays drunk in Mexico. Wow, how things change. While I fall asleep at night, my partner lay next to me, reading a cookbook for expectant mothers (of which the name escapes me but I will find out and post it), asking me if I have been eating (fill in your choice of baby brain foods here) and asking me if I like things such as lentils. It’s adorable and appreciated.I worry about not conceiving the first time, or ever…about the pressure of being the one person who makes or breaks us having a child. Of letting my partner down. And my partner calms me by saying…”i don’t want you to feel that i will or you should be disappointed if it doesn’t work the first time. i am looking forward to you getting cranky and demanding, hungry and hormonal, emotionally distant and overwhelmingly sensitive. if it doesn’t happen the first time then it doesn’t. i guess i’m getting ready for if it does. and eventually when it does.” How adorable is she? The biggest thing I will be giving up is not my body for 9 months, not my social drinking, or my caffeine, but rather as my parenter reminds me, is my control. I am a control freak (people say it like it is a bad thing) I am aware of this. I work in an environment where I am the boss, I am a doer. It’s what I am good at. My partner has shed more light on things, telling me that she will be there for me as I lose control of my emotions, and everything else. That we will both explore a side of me we never knew existed and we are excited and frightened at the same time.The most satisfying thing is knowing that I could do this all without her, but I would never want to. That this is a choice, something we both want, something that brings us great joy, something we have thought about all of our lives. People ask us when we first tell them what we are up to…”have you thought about this?” Do these people really hear themselves? As Lesbian and Gay couples, how can we NOT think about it? Knowing we are gay and we lack a few of the vital things necessary to conceive, everything is planned. We are more prepared mentally and emotionally than most heterosexuals out there…and don’t get me started on preteens, hell, if a 17 year old can do it, my tough ass 33 year old, stubborn self can certainly do this! And better baby! This is me, stepping off my soapbox now.I will leave you with a comical glimpse at what our fertility doctor at the clinic said on our first consultation after learning we are a lesbian couple…”So, what brings you here today is not really an issue of infertility but rather a lack of sperm. (insert big grin and chuckles here)” He thought he was extreemely funny and charming, and so did we.